#Quote
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
