Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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The more you try to please people, the more they get control of you and you'll end up hurting yourself. ― Chanda Kaushik

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People who try hard to do the right thing always seem mad.

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Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. ― Bertrand Russell

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The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. — Henry Boye

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All of us have to learn how to invent our lives , make them up, imagine them. We need to be taught these skills; we need guides to show us how. If we don't, our lives get made up for us by other people .

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What Darwin was too polite to say, my friends, is that we came to rule the earth not because we were the smartest, or even the meanest, but because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle.

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Ninety-five percent of people who walk the earth are simply inert. One percent are saints, and one percent are assholes. The other three percent are people who do what they say they can do.

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Happiness is the only thing that multiplies when you share it. _ Albert Schweitzer

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I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.

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