You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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You find out about me because of my music, and that's how I want to keep it. -Megan Thee Stallion

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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You can’t get to a time before the Big Bang because there was no time before the Big Bang. We have finally found something that doesn’t have a cause, because there was no time for a cause to exist in.

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.- Mitch Hedberg

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Nobody is wired wrong, because there’s no wrong and right in the way we are. ― hannah hart

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If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And then come to my house because I have vodka. Oh, look—it’s a party!

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