Quotes | Qouted

Quotes

Total 17820 Quotes

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.- Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.-Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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