I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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There is hardly a political question in the United States which does not sooner or later turn into a judicial one. -Alexis de Tocqueville

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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The end of life is to be like God, and the soul following God will be like him.

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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