A woman can become a man's friend only in the following stages - first an acquantaince, next a mistress, and only then a friend.

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People write negatives things, cause they feel that's what sells. Good news to them, doesn't sell.- Michael Jackson

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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The end of life is to be like God, and the soul following God will be like him.

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