I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

---

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

---

That's why I want to change Mississippi. You don't run away from problems - you just face them. -Fannie Lou Hamer

---

The end of life is to be like God, and the soul following God will be like him.

---

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

---

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

---

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

---

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

---

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

---

You've got a song you're singing from your gut, you want that audience to feel it in their gut. And you've got to make them think that you're one of them sitting out there with them too. They've got to be able to relate to what you're doing. -Johnny Cash

---