I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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You've got a song you're singing from your gut, you want that audience to feel it in their gut. And you've got to make them think that you're one of them sitting out there with them too. They've got to be able to relate to what you're doing. -Johnny Cash

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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That's why I want to change Mississippi. You don't run away from problems - you just face them. -Fannie Lou Hamer

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I'll be the first to admit it - after the first episode, I wasn't sold on Peter Capaldi as the new Doctor of 'Doctor Who,' with the bewildered Clara following behind like a lost puppy, haphazardly flinging aggression around like cream pies in a 'Three Stooges' marathon. - Rob Manuel

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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