I think being able to age gracefully is a very important talent. It is too late for me. -Clint Eastwood

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Perhaps because my background is theatrical, I have a great affinity with the classics. Hamlet has always been a character of great interest to me and a character I would really love to play. Or a character in a Tennessee Williams play, maybe Tom in 'The Glass Menagerie.

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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There is no such thing as 'too late' in life.

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Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. - Terry Pratchett

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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