I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.- Mitch Hedberg

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How did it get so late so soon? ― Dr. Seuss

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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