Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Perhaps because my background is theatrical, I have a great affinity with the classics. Hamlet has always been a character of great interest to me and a character I would really love to play. Or a character in a Tennessee Williams play, maybe Tom in 'The Glass Menagerie.

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Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. - Terry Pratchett

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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The terrible, cold, cruel part is Wall Street. Rivers of gold flow there from all over the earth, and death comes with it. There, as nowhere else, you feel a total absence of the spirit: herds of men who cannot count past three, herds more who cannot get past six, scorn for pure science and demoniacal respect for the present. And the terrible thing is that the crowd that fills the street believes that the world will always be the same and that it is their duty to keep that huge machine running, day and night, forever.

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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It is never too late to be what you might have been. ― George Eliot

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It is never too late to be what you might have been. — George Eliot

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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