My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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The terrible, cold, cruel part is Wall Street. Rivers of gold flow there from all over the earth, and death comes with it. There, as nowhere else, you feel a total absence of the spirit: herds of men who cannot count past three, herds more who cannot get past six, scorn for pure science and demoniacal respect for the present. And the terrible thing is that the crowd that fills the street believes that the world will always be the same and that it is their duty to keep that huge machine running, day and night, forever.

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Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.

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To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.- Mitch Hedberg

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It is never too late to be what you might have been. ― George Eliot

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I think being able to age gracefully is a very important talent. It is too late for me. -Clint Eastwood

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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