I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. - Terry Pratchett

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I think being able to age gracefully is a very important talent. It is too late for me. -Clint Eastwood

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Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.

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How did it get so late so soon? ― Dr. Seuss

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To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul. ― George Bernard Shaw

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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