Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

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Sometimes I can't see myself when I'm with you. I can only just see you — Jodi Lynn Anderson

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Our first object is... the obtaining of sovereignty, assured by international law, over a portion of the globe sufficiently large to satisfy our just requirements. - Theodor Herzl

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.- Mitch Hedberg

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You just do what you can and you have as much fun as possible. -Frank Ocean

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I'm just a fun guy.- Post Malone

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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Hope is such a bait, it covers any hook. -Oliver Goldsmith

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