Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory. -William Barclay

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Our first object is... the obtaining of sovereignty, assured by international law, over a portion of the globe sufficiently large to satisfy our just requirements. - Theodor Herzl

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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You are enough just as you are. – Meghan Markle

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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I'm just a fun guy.- Post Malone

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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I'm just doing me, and to me, that's what got me this far. -Lil Uzi Vert

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Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment. ― Haruki Murakami

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