I didn't have no friends or nothing; I was a nerdy kid.- Post Malone

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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The more you read, the more things you'll know, the more that you learn, the more places you'll go ― Dr. Suess

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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