I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!- Mitch Hedberg

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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.- Mitch Hedberg

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I went to the zoo once and saw this thing they call an anteater. That was quite enough for me.

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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