Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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I believe I can even yet remember when I saw the stars for the first time. - Max Muller

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I went to the zoo once and saw this thing they call an anteater. That was quite enough for me.

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I recently watched Peter Brook's Lord of the Flies, and it wasn't a favorite film. Then I saw the one that was made in 1990, which in my opinion didn't match up to the original. - Brendan Fraser

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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He caught glimpses of everything, but he saw nothing.

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