Being a candle is difficult because one must first burn in order to emit light. ― Shree Shambav

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. — Buddha

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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I built a great company, one of the - some of the most iconic assets in the world, $10 billion of net worth, more than $10 billion of net worth, and frankly, I had a great time doing it. -Donald Trump

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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Whatever you are, be a good one. ―Abraham Lincoln

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Inuyasha' is one of my favorite animes.- Megan Thee Stallion

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