If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. -Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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I have had lobbyists, and I have had some very good ones. They could do anything.- Donald Trump

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I could feel my anger dissipating as the miles went by--you can't run and stay mad!

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Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do. -Golda Meir

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When you're too mad and too rattled to see straight, you're bound to make mistakes. You can't go on and on for years being miserable about a situation and not have it change you. You get so you can't stand yourself.

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The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.

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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.- Mitch Hedberg

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