Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.- Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.- Mitch Hedberg

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.- Mitch Hedberg

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Anything that makes weak - physically, intellectually and spiritually, reject it as poison.

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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.- Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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whatever you think that you will be. if you think yourself weak, weak you will be; if you think yourself strong,you will be

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.- Mitch Hedberg

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg

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