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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg
Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. - Terry Pratchett
It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you. ― Bertrand Russell
Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.
The greatest tragedy in life is to spend your whole life fishing only to discover it was never fish that you were after. ― Henry David Thoreau
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg
How did it get so late so soon? ― Dr. Seuss
There's magic in the water that draws all men away form the land, that leads them over hills, down creeks and streams and rivers to the sea.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ― Steven Wright
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg