Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. -Mitch Hedberg

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Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. - Terry Pratchett

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It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you. ― Bertrand Russell

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Unfortunately justice is the train that's nearly always late.

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The greatest tragedy in life is to spend your whole life fishing only to discover it was never fish that you were after. ― Henry David Thoreau

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.- Mitch Hedberg

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How did it get so late so soon? ― Dr. Seuss

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There's magic in the water that draws all men away form the land, that leads them over hills, down creeks and streams and rivers to the sea.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ― Steven Wright

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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.- Mitch Hedberg

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