The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. — H.Jackson Brown Jr.

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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We are finally driven to monogamy not by morality but by exhaustion.

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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