I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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Anger is really disappointed hope

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And his expression, now. I realized right then -- how disappointed you could be when you were all in with someone. When you cared so deeply. How your heart could break, so precisely and quickly. ― Maurene Goo

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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

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Oh, let me be mawkish for the nonce! I am so tired of being cynical.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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