Quotes

Total 17820 Quotes
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Low
Alone
George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Saleswoman
Defeat
George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Listening
Someone
George Carlin
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Longest
Shortest
George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Bad
Because
George Carlin
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Certain
Separation
George Carlin
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Desperate
Usually
George Carlin
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Chocolate
Feeling
George Carlin
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Interesting
Slowly
George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Impatient
Wonder
George Carlin
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Sweaty
Petty
George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Faster
Anybody
George Carlin
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Freak
Front
George Carlin
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Disappointed
Cynical
George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Tonight
Forecast
George Carlin
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Argument
Restaurant
George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Beaten
Arrange
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
People
Work
George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Tequila
Floor
George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes
Period
Amounts
George Carlin