Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless.

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. — Thomas Edison

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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There is only one certainty in life and that is that nothing is certain. — G.K. Chesterton

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

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