People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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