Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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