If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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