I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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I like your silence, it the more shows off your wonder.

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Do you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

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Give everyone whose life you touch a sense of their own worthiness as a person, a sense of the true wonder of who they are. Give this gift and you will heal the world.

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I would see the end of physics as we know it, but now I think the wonder of discovery will continue long after I am gone. We are close to some of these answers, but we are not there yet.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

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Whenever I meet someone, I try to imagine her wearing an invisible sign that says: MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT. I respond to this sign immediately, and it works wonders.

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Soldiers live. He dies and not you, and you feel guilty, because you're glad he died, and not you. Soldiers live, and wonder why. ― Glen Cook

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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