The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

---

I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.

---

Whenever I meet someone, I try to imagine her wearing an invisible sign that says: MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT. I respond to this sign immediately, and it works wonders.

---

O money, money, money. I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy, but I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly.

---

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

---

Do you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

---

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes. ― C.S. Lewis

---

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

---

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

---

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

---