'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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