Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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