The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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