'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - George Carlin

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.― Neil Gaiman

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin

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