I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching–they are your family. – Jim Butcher

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

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Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. — David Ogden Stiers

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

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The most important thing in an argument, next to being right, is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent, so that he can gracefully swing over to your side without too much apparent loss of face.

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. - George Carlin

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We may have our differences, but nothing’s more important than family. – Coco

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