You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin

---

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

---

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin

---

It was completely fruitless to quarrel with the world, whereas the quarrel with oneself was occasionally fruitful and always, she had to admit, interesting. _ Soren Kierkegaard

---

For a meal out, my number one restaurant is Peter's Inn. I first went there when it was an old biker bar. Believe me, when it was Motorcycle Pete's, that was fun. I had my 30th birthday there. - John Waters

---

You cannot be sure that you are right unless you understand the arguments against your views better than your opponents do.

---

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin

---

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin

---

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

---

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin

---