Life's single lesson: that there is more accident to it than a man can ever admit to in a lifetime and stay sane.

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. ― Steven Wright

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ― Steven Wright

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Speed is irrelevant if you are going in the wrong direction.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ― Steven Wright

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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. ― Steven Wright

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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. ― Steven Wright

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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. ― Steven Wright

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. ― Steven Wright

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? ― Steven Wright

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