The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ― Steven Wright

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Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It's a grain. It's like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem. ― James Patterson

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ― Steven Wright

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ― Steven Wright

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One key to success is to have lunch at the time of day most people have breakfast. — Robert Brault

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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. ― Steven Wright

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ― Steven Wright

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. ― Steven Wright

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. ― Steven Wright

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