If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ― Steven Wright

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ― Steven Wright

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I was born in 1937, in Yakima, Washington, the oldest child of Robert Emerson Lucas and Jane Templeton Lucas. My sister Jenepher was born in 1939 and my brother Peter in 1940. My parents had moved to Yakima from Seattle to open a small restaurant, The Lucas Ice Creamery. - Robert Lucas, Jr.

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. ― Steven Wright

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ― Steven Wright

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ― Steven Wright

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Danger's over, Banana Breakfast is saved.

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Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It's a grain. It's like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem. ― James Patterson

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ― Steven Wright

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