I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

---

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

---

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

---

It's a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.― Germany Kent

---

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

---

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

---

Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.' — Jimmy Fallon

---

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips

---

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

---

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.

---