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I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole." ― Robin Williams
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. - Bill Maher
Existence is a series of footnotes to a vast, obscure, unfinished masterpiece.
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere ― Dr. Seuss
From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere! ― Dr. Seuss
I hope they have ghost insurance.” “Pretty sure you've used that joke before,” Stacey told me. “Well, maybe Jacob hadn't heard it yet.” “I have,” Jacob said. ― J.L. Bryan
Let me have men about me that are fat, Sleek-headed-men, and such as sleep o'nights; Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much; such men are dangerous.