Meow” means “woof” in cat.― George Carlin

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If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

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If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

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I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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I hope they have ghost insurance.” “Pretty sure you've used that joke before,” Stacey told me. “Well, maybe Jacob hadn't heard it yet.” “I have,” Jacob said. ― J.L. Bryan

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I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice? ― Kurt Cobain

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