I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

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After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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