Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

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I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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Gray hair is God's graffiti.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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