Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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