A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

---

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

---

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

---

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

---

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

---

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

---

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

---

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

---

Old is always fifteen years from now.

---

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

---