My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

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After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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