After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

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