I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

---

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

---

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

---

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

---

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

---

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

---

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

---

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

---

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

---

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

---