A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

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I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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