Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

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My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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