After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

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It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

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