My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

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The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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