If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

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You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

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After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

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