The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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