More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
