More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
