More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
