If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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