If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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