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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
