If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

---

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

---

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

---

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

---

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

---

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

---

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

---

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

---

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

---

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

---