Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

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