The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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