More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
