More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
