Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

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