An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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