Quotes

Total 17820 Quotes
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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
― Stephen Colbert
Christian
Jesus
Selfish
Stephen Colbert
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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
― Stephen Colbert
People
Stupidity
May
Stephen Colbert
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
― Stephen Colbert
Funny
Trust
Children
Stephen Colbert
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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
― Stephen Colbert
Inspirational
Remember
Forget
Stephen Colbert
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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
― Stephen Colbert
Apples
Enough
Hard
Stephen Colbert
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
― Stephen Colbert
Inspiring
Graduation
Yogurt
Stephen Colbert
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
― Stephen Colbert
Real
News
World
Stephen Colbert
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If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
― Stephen Colbert
Community
LoveOfMoney
Ifs
Stephen Colbert
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
― Stephen Colbert
Believe
Eight
Hands
Stephen Colbert
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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
― Stephen Colbert
Funny
Work
Littles
Stephen Colbert
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
― Stephen Colbert
Country
Fate
Thinking
Stephen Colbert
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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
― Stephen Colbert
Believe
Lakes
Issues
Stephen Colbert
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
― Stephen Colbert
Morning
Confused
Blue
Stephen Colbert
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
― Stephen Colbert
Country
Ocean
Men
Stephen Colbert
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Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
― Stephen Colbert
Wine
Men
Mouths
Stephen Colbert
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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
― Stephen Colbert
Thirty
Tolerate
Seconds
Stephen Colbert
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
― Stephen Colbert
Grief
Mean
Thinking
Stephen Colbert
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
― Stephen Colbert
Beer
Marijuana
Dry
Stephen Colbert
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
― Stephen Colbert
Jesus
SenseOfHumor
Trouble
Stephen Colbert
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It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
― Stephen Colbert
Reality
Facts
WellKnown
Stephen Colbert