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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
