More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
