More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
