More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
