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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
