More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
