More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
